Thomas, Gary L. Sacred Marriage. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, 2000. 299 pp. $14.99
Introduction
Gary L. Thomas has written numerous books and articles for Christian publications on the subject of family life and Christian living, is a frequent guest on the Focus on the Family and Family Life radio broadcasts, and teaches at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon (back cover). The thesis of his book is that God has given us marriage as a spiritual discipline to make us holy, and to bring us into a more intimate relationship with Him.
Summary
Thomas poses the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy, more than to make us happy?” (front cover). He does not deny that God has given us marriage as a blessing, which can offer great happiness, but he goes beyond traditional views of marriage and examines it from God’s perspective rather than man’s. Thomas answers the question he poses by systematically dissecting marriage into its various components and then exploring them for their sanctifying possibilities. Drawing from the writings of the early church fathers as well as contemporary writers to help make his points, he uses his own marriage and the marriages of others as examples, comparing and contrasting them for their worth in the process of spiritual growth and purification.
Thomas grounds his arguments in Scripture, chapter after chapter, as he builds toward his thesis. He reasons that since Christians are called to holiness, marriage can be fertile ground for producing spiritual fruit. He shows how marriage teaches us about God, how to love Him and others, how to respect our spouses, and how to improve our prayer lives. Thomas explains how marriage exposes our sin and teaches us perseverance. He demonstrates how difficulty in marriage can build character and teach us about forgiveness, and give us a servant’s heart. He presents sexuality in marriage as spiritually meaningful and explains how marriage can sensitize us to the presence of God. Finally, Thomas enumerates the ways in which marriage can become a platform for ministry, rather than just an environment for personal ambition and satisfaction.
Critical Evaluation
The author’s thesis is well supported throughout the book, and is one which I had not previously considered. I appreciate his observation that, in today’s culture, romantic love, which is often fleeting, supersedes all the practical, honorable and spiritual benefits of marriage (p. 16). Thomas makes the point that a rock solid relationship with God greatly enhances the possibility of a successful marriage since the two people are looking to each other to compensate for their spiritual emptiness (p. 24). He notes with great effect that marriages focused on self-centered benefits fail with far greater frequency than those focused on glorifying God and developing the spiritual character of the couple (p. 32). His practical suggestions for honoring our wives by publicly demonstrating our esteem and respect were particularly insightful and helpful (p. 63).
The section on developing contempt for the contempt in one’s own heart (pp. 64-66) helped me focus on my own need to improve as a husband rather than on my wife’s shortcomings. This produces holiness in me, it brings me into more intimate fellowship with God, and ultimately it produces a more godly and happy marriage than had I focused too much on my wife’s issues. The author’s take on marriage as a means to improving my prayer life instead of the other way around (pp. 74-76) was irritatingly eye-opening. Not that I should not pray for my marriages, but that marital sin, especially that which reflects an improper attitude toward my wife, should be addressed to keep my prayer life on track and effective.
I take exception to the author’s claim that we should not hold our spouses to account for their discourtesies in day-to-day life (p. 94). As Stephanie’s husband, I do things which aggravate her. I fail to do simple things which she has asked me to do (replace the empty paper towel roll when I used the last towel, for instance), and I persist in doing things she has asked me not to do (work too late at the office and miss dinner). This is discourteous on my part, and I should be held to account. Responding to my wife’s simple requests shows love, honor and respect. She should not have to overlook these things in the name of charity. I should strive to be faithful in the big things and the little things.
Thomas’s encouragement to couples to take the long view of marriage is appropriate. He notes that it can take more than 10 years for a couple to “create its form and being” (p. 107). Couples that give up too soon, never find out how much better it could have been or what marriage was really about, had they stayed the course. Perseverance often produces good results. Longevity is the key to stability in marriage; things do improve over time when a couple is committed to glorifying God in their relationship.
Again, I take exception with the author. Thomas holds the view that Christian marriages fail because of poor choice of spouse. On the contrary, a difficult partner is no excuse for divorce. Rather than choose divorce, one married to a difficult spouse should seize the opportunity to become more Christ-like through the ordeal. The failure is not in the poor choice of spouse, but in the poor choice of surrendering under the weight of a difficult task. Divorce of this kind is a failure of the spouse seeking the divorce. Moreover, divorce is never “the right choice” (P. 115). What Christ and Paul allow as exceptions must not be seen as “right” choices, but merely what they are, exceptions; allowances. Reconciliation is always God’s best choice.
Thomas makes a very insightful remark, “If we live without an eternal perspective, earthly trials become larger than life” (p. 150). When we endure a difficult marital relationship without the hope of gaining spiritually through its trials, time just drags on and giving up can become a real option. Even in the day-to-day monotony of a boring marriage, hopelessness leads to apathy and ultimately divorce if the marriage is not seen for its character-shaping value. Investment in the marriage relationship can result in deeper satisfaction, as well as strength and resiliency (p. 155). Couples should be deliberate about their marriages; they should not just allow them to evolve and become what they will become. The best marriages are built by thoughtful planning and care.
Conflict in marriage has its benefits (pp.163-164). Conflict that results in forgiveness and reconciliation leaves the couple closer to one another since the cycle causes them to move toward each other. Conflict initially divides, but when a couple seeks a resolution, compromise and ultimately growth occurs. When each person learns to accept the other, warts and all, things get smoother (p. 165). The object is not to keep loving the person we thought we married, but to love the one we actually did marry. We can learn to love by choosing to love when the merits may not warrant it. This is the way of agape. Thomas rightly notes that forgiveness is a process, not an event (pp. 170-174). It takes time and volition.
The author well observes that, far too often, people enter marriage seeking the benefits and ignoring the investment required (p. 180). “Significance is found in giving yourself away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness” (p. 182). He points out that our spouse’s needs are the basis for our obligations in marriage (p. 188-191). Even when our spouses seem so undeserving of our love, our character is conformed into the image of Christ when we love anyway, and with a willing and humble heart. Humility never fails to produce good in a marriage.
The section on sexuality’s usefulness in bringing us closer to God seemed a bit of a stretch and was one of the weaker sections of the book (chapter 11). The book starts to peter-out toward the end, losing the powerful insight and penetrating analysis with which it began. A saving grace in this section was the maxim that sexual addiction and exploitation can best be resolved by containing sexual activity to the marital bed and seeking more than just gratification, but also communion with one’s spouse (p. 210).
Chapter 12, which is the least effective chapter in the book, suggests that marriage can and should be used to cultivate the presence of God. God is present. Cultivating His presence through our marital relationship seems far out. Thomas argues that “women love quietly” and “speak…in whispers,” and that God does the same (p. 235). Thus, we can learn to cultivate God’s presence through understanding how a wife loves her husband.
Conclusion
Through this book I have developed a better understanding of how to approach marriage. The truths that were brought out and reinforced, and the insights I took away from the book, will be useful to me in my own marriage and in counseling others. I will be better equipped to help people make the best decisions in choosing a spouse, to help them through difficulties in marriage, to turn them away from divorce, and to help them become what God desires them to be, godly and spiritually mature Christians who reflect the image of Christ and who bear all the fruit of the Holy Spirit in their marriage relationships. I am considering using the book for a small group study in my church. I am also recommending it to my elders, staff and members.
